Dietary Habits of King George the Melby
King George the Melby is seldom witnessed ingesting food. His diet is widely believed to consist almost entirely of the crushed souls and broken dreams of his students. It has also been reported that he enjoys pizza, but this is not plausible and has been dismissed as a rumor. On 15 October 2015, King Melby was witnessed consuming exactly one (1) piece of what appeared to be food, or an approximation thereof, containing various questionable ingredients such as genuine fake chocolate, marshmallows, and sweetened grain products. That same day, a bar of World's Finest Chocolate, presumably a caramel-flavored one purchased illegally from a Symphony Orchestra student at the school, was located conspicuously on his desk, between his computer keyboard and monitor with attached speakers. Aforementioned chocolate bar was almost certainly sold to him for $1 to help fundraise for the upcoming New York music trip. It is rumored that the merchant was, in fact, his own daughter (for more details, please see Known Family Members), prompting many of the king's supposedly loyal subjects to accuse him of Melpotism. Rumors and speculation abound as to why, exactly, the immortal king was consuming the lowly, so-called "food" of mere mortals, but the prevailing theory is that with the uncharacteristically generous curve on the most recent test, King Melby experienced an unexpected shortage of crushed souls and broken dreams of students, normally a staple in his diet. Furthermore, many students were happy that day both due to the aforementioned curve on the AP Chemistry midterm and because the PSAT was over and they were looking forward to a weekend's worth of weeping dejectedly over their overall grades in his class. The most logical conclusion to be drawn from this data is that King Melby will never again set such a fair curve on his tests, nor will he ever again be caught consuming such comestibles (so to speak) in his classroom. King Melby was witnessed consuming an uncharacteristically large quantity of food from 26 - 30 October 2015. He ingested a single Oreo cookie on the 27th after ruthlessly appropriating a student's food supply and aggressively opening it. Chewing furiously, he then removed his hand from the blue packaging and returned it to the student before asking if she minded his metabolizing her property. Said student, laughing (presumably nervously, though this is a hotly debated topic amongst psychologists), assured him that she did not. It must be noted that this student was not his daughter. The next day, the good King Melby was witnessed opening a cupboard door (upon which sits the school's standard digital clock) in his classroom and removing one (1) chocolate-y snack identical to the one described above in the retelling of the events that occurred on 15 October 2015. Closing the cupboard door and ingesting the item quickly, the king then proceeded to act as though nothing out of the ordinary had transpired. It is widely believed that these strange occurrences indicate something rather sinister, for on the 30th, the day of the belated Mole Day class party, King George the Melby was not witnessed consuming any food or drink during 3rd period. The prevailing theory is that these happenings are part of a larger trend of alarmingly snakelike behavior, for the king has only ever been seen consuming relatively* large amounts of food at once, and infrequently at that. King George the Melby has been seen drinking what appears to be water while teaching his 3rd period AP Chemistry class. However, upon closer inspection, the aforementioned substance was found to be tilapia water. Whether this tilapia water contains live tilapia depends on whether the salmon have warmed up the water yet. Additionally, blue Diet Pepsi cans, presumably containing Diet Pepsi (which may or may not also be blue) can often be found on King Melby's desk, also during 3rd period. *With respect to the observed consumption patterns of the king himself only and not to any sort of external or standardized measure; we realize that this is scientifically unsound and will resolve the issue as soon as possible.